Chance

I am on my second cup of coffee at 9:30a.
I have been completely tired this week.
This morning I set the alarm for 6am as usual, hit snooze three times.
....then reset it for 7am - and hit snooze three times again.
Do you ever have weeks like that?

On a happy note - E came over last night and we watched "Temple Grandin" - SUCH a good movie. If you have not seen it yet you should. So moving.What a motivating story.

The question/word I am pondering at the moment is CHANCE. How much do you let life dictate itself - taking you where it will and being a willing participant in all of the twists and turns that it brings, and how much do you will it to go where you want it to? Taking chances that scare you and make you hesitant and that you have NO IDEA how it will turn out? I've been thinking a lot lately about love and relationships and....Nepal.

Throughout a lot of my life I have just let relationships develop as they will, not invested a lot of myself into them, perhaps because I am used to being a bit transitional - having people that move in and out of my life. I tell people that are in my life now that "I don't say goodbye" - and it's true. I'm not good at it - and I think I offend people becuase of my lack of emotion. But I've been thinking lately that I have three of the most phenomenal women I have ever met in my life right now - surrounding me - investing in me. And that's something I want to take a chance on - invest in - pursue. Who knows, maybe something really deep and meaningful could come out of that. I don't always like being vulnerable, but as I have begun to open myself up and share the embarrassing or vulnerable things with them - they have also opened up more and the love and grace I have received in return has already been amazingly transformative.

Love is something that has never come easy to me. And perhaps it never will. Running? That comes easy. But what is especially hard is when you care a lot for someone that lives half way across the country....and you hate phones more than most things in life. Moving doesn't quite seem an option. So you wait for life to make more sense.

Nepal is perhaps what occupies most of my minds time. Potential opportunities present themselves - and they are EXACTLY what I have wanted to do with my life, in the country that I love more than life itself. But then the logical questions of finances, language barrier, abilities, etc. pop into my head and the opportunity seems unattainable -- or a bit more foolish to chase after.

When do you let go of logic and logistics and just take a chance? When do you decide you don't watn to follow life anymore but make your life follow you? And how do you know you're making smart choices?

I don't necessarily think there are any right answers to those. But...they are the pondering thoughts of the day.For now I am going to go camping with my girlfriends, enjoy some concerts and save the decisions for another day...